Time For Honesty...

As I have mentioned in past posts I have been having an internal struggle. I have been pretty unhappy with most areas of my life for the past month or so. Work is mentally draining to the point where I am angry when I get home each night. I have been having trouble sleeping, I have zero motivation to do anything around the house, I don't want to see friends on the weekends, I don't really want to talk to anyone and I have been having serious questions regarding my relationship.

I am not really sure what is making all of this come up but it is almost like I went to bed one night as one person and woke up another. The thing is, I am not sure I want to go back to being that old person.

I have been coming up with ways to rectify the situations at hand. I had a job interview yesterday that I think went fairly well. I am not 100% sure if I am going to take the new job if offered, but that possibility is there. I am planning on taking a weekend soon and doing a deep clean on my house and purging a lot of junk that I neither need nor want. As far as the sleeping situation, E and I have been sleeping in different spots. Last week I slept on the couch and he slept in our bed. This week he has been sleeping on the couch and I have been sleeping in the bed. Since I had the day off today I bought a new guest bed.

As far as the relationship problem I am still not sure what I am going to do. The situation is very complicated. We have been together for 11 plus years. We have a house together and if our relationship ends I feel like I would just be giving up. I love E more than anything and I don't want to hurt him, the thing is, I don't know if I am IN love with him. There has been such a disconnect between us lately. It is almost like we are roommates instead of a couple. We don't kiss, we don't go out, we fight all the time, and the worst thing is I cannot remember the last time we had sex. (TMI I know) I don't know if this happens in all relationships after two people have been together for so long or what I should do. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I think that I need some time to myself to figure out who I am and what I want before I can continue on with a relationship. Maybe if I have time to figure myself out things will become more clear.

There is one other factor that I am not ready to talk about. It is probably the only thing keeping me sane, but it is also something that is complicating the situation more. It could be the best thing ever or it could end up blowing up in my face. I just have to be patient and see where the road leads.